In my 55 years and one week on Earth, I had the most humiliating, humbling, embarrassing experience of my life yesterday afternoon.
While doing research online, I ran across a Facebook page called Big Butts. I have always been a great admirer of the human form, and it is my contention that when God designed the female backside, to man's everlasting delight, He was having a very, very good day.
I clicked on the link, immediately noticed that the page had thousands of "Likes," and yes, hundreds of amateur photos of, well, big butts. They were all of the string bikini and thong variety in provocative poses. I "Liked" the page and began to scroll through. It's an active site and each picture had dozens of thumbs up and several comments. I went ahead and liked many of the posts and left some innocuous messages along the lines of "astounding," "cute as a peach," and "eminently kissable."
I was quite enjoying myself, proceeding under the assumption that what happens on Big Butts, stays on Big Butts, when all of a sudden, a message box popped up from the bottom of the screen from my daughter in law. The message said, "Pops, you are wild on Facebook! LMAO."
The bottom of my stomach dropped down, and I quickly went to my news feed, but there was nothing there. I looked at my home page, and again there was nothing there. So I messaged my daughter in law back and asked, "What are you referring to?" and she responded, "THE CHEEKS, DUDE!"
The image of all my friends and family, men, women, children, my PARENTS, seeing dozens of naked tushies with my incriminating remarks under my byline, flashed before my eyes.
Now, although I am on Facebook, write a blog, and surf the Web, when it comes to technology, I am most assuredly a newbie. I emailed my wife at work, explained what happened, and asked how to put the genie back in the bottle. Fortunately my wife is a very understanding person, and knows full well that her own luscious globes factored into my attraction to her when we got married. She wrote back something about Timeline and Privacy settings, but it was all Greek (no pun intended) to me. Then she said that she would look at it when she got home. But that was HOURS away! By that time the damage would be done.
I was in full heart pounding, adrenaline rushing, blood pressure soaring, beet red faced, mind whirling, panic mode. One image, or even two, I could laugh off, but dozens? That surely showed a side of me I would have preferred to keep private. I kept checking my news feed and home page, and still saw nothing untoward, but apparently my daughter in law was seeing SOMETHING, but what? So far no one else, including my sister, who lives on Facebook and has a wicked sense of humor, had posted any comments.
I contacted my son, who is a stickler for Facebook etiquette, but he was laughing so hard that all he could say was, "Keep up the info-war Pops, but chill on the butts."
For many years, due to a spinal cord injury, I have been paralyzed from the waist down, and that means EVERYTHING from the waist down. Everyone who knows me, knows that I am a harmless, lovable, old coot. Therefore, perhaps I can be forgiven for my innocent peccadilloes. I actually shut my laptop down before my wife got home. I had already resigned myself to taking down my Facebook page and moving into a damp cave at the top of an inaccessible mountain peak, there to live out the remainder of my miserable life.
As all things, this too shall pass. Will I continue to check out women's behinds? Absolutely (I ain't dead yet). Will I be more discreet and circumspect? You better believe it. Will I leave comments? Well, that's at least half the fun, isn't it? But I will be very wary in the future.
One final note. I've never had as hard a time choosing just one piece of art to end a blog, but it was sure fun trying.
Please visit the following link to view more Big Butts
[Unfortunately, the page has been shut down by Facebook]
Everyone loves a Big Butt! ;-)
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