The Grossest Joke I've Ever Heard

My dad told me this joke. It is the grossest joke I've ever heard. Interestingly, it achieves that distinction without any sexual reference whatsoever, and even without a single cuss word. Be that as it may, you have been warned. This is the grossest joke I've ever heard.

The Grossest Joke I've Ever Heard

A guy walks into a saloon, and on the floor, in the very center of the long, wooden bar is a big, brass spittoon. The motley crowd takes turns spitting tobacco juice, hawking up loogies, and honking snot into the spittoon.

The guy walks up to the bar and says, "For $20 I'll drink that spittoon."

The scuzzy patrons go wild, and one after another slaps a silver dollar on the bartop saying, "I'm in for a dollar to see that."

$20 is quickly gathered, and a circle forms around the guy as he lifts the spittoon to his lips.

Before the gawking eyes and hanging jaws of the uncouth crowd, he tilts it back and starts to chug. One of the unwashed barflys grabs his stomach, turns his head and wretches his guts out onto the sawdust covered floorboards.

Moans ricochet around the saloon, as calls of "STOP! STOP!" are shouted out. As one glassy-eyed denizen after another empties the contents of their stomachs, voices cry out "STOP! STOP! You've won the bet. You've proved your point."

Yet still, the guy continues to chug down the noisome effluent in the spittoon.

Several of the throng have fainted, the bar reeks with the stench of bile. More pleas of "STOP! Please Stop! Take your money, we'll pay you more to stop!" escape from constricted throats.

Finally the guy empties the last vile drop from the spittoon, sets it down, smacks his lips, and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

As he gathers his money, the men, green around the gills, look at him weakly and say, "We told you you won the bet, we told you to take the money, why didn't you stop!?"

The guy says, "I couldn't. It was all one long strand."

Cinco de Mayo

Happy El Día de la Batalla de Puebla!

The Day of the Battle of Puebla is better known for the day on which it is celebrated, the 5th of May - Cinco de Mayo.

Cinco de Mayo, an essentially American holiday, has its roots in the heart of the U.S. Civil War. Mexico had been left in shambles and bankruptcy by the costs of fighting the Mexican-American War of 1846-48, and the Mexican Civil War of 1858.

In 1861, Mexican President Benito Juárez issued a moratorium on foreign debt payments. In response, France, Britain, and Spain sent naval forces to grab the customs house in Veracruz to demand reimbursement. Britain and Spain negotiated with Mexico and withdrew. France, however, under Napoleon III, seized the opportunity to invade Mexico.

France had ulterior motives. Using Mexico as a base of operations to support the Confederacy, Napoleon III hoped to break the Union blockade of Southern ports and reopen trade with the South, and to establish a Latin empire in Mexico.

Late in 1861, a well-armed French fleet stormed Veracruz, landing a large French force and driving President Juárez and his government into retreat. Moving on from Veracruz towards Mexico City, the French army encountered heavy resistance from the Mexicans close to Puebla. The 8,000-strong French army attacked the much smaller and poorly equipped Mexican army of 4,500. Yet, on May 5, 1862, the Mexicans managed to decisively crush the French army, then considered the premier army in the world.

On May 9th, 1862, President Juárez declared that the anniversary of the Battle of Puebla would be a national holiday. But prior to this, the Mexican-American communities of California rallied around the day to show their support for the resistance to French rule in Mexico. The UCLA Center for the Study of Latino Culture stated, "Far up in the gold country, Mexican miners were so overjoyed at the news that they spontaneously fired off rifle shots and fireworks, sang patriotic songs and made impromptu speeches."

TIME magazine reports that "Cinco de Mayo started to come into vogue in 1940s America during the rise of the Chicano movement." The holiday crossed over from California into the rest of the United States in the 1950s and 1960s but didn't gain popularity until the 1980s when marketers, especially beer companies, capitalized on the celebratory nature of the day and began to promote it.

Cinco de Mayo is often mistaken for Mexican Independence Day (equivalent to our 4th of July), which is celebrated on September 16th.

What then is the significance of Cinco de Mayo? TIME said, "The Puebla victory came to symbolize unity and pride for what seemed like a Mexican David defeating a French Goliath."

But even as the holiday grew in popularity, and became a general celebration of Mexican culture and heritage in major cities across the U.S., it took until 2005 before the U.S. Congress issued a Concurrent Resolution calling on the President of the United States to issue a proclamation recognizing Cinco de Mayo.

Cinco de Mayo has become the Mexican Saint Patrick's Day, the one day of the year when, of Latino decent or not, we are all Mexican. It is a day to set politics aside. It is a day to recognize an ancient and vibrant culture, embrace its music and dance, and partake in its special foods and beverages.

We enjoy the opportunity to honor the culture and flavors of our neighbors to the south. It is the one time of year when I am allowed to bring out my vintage Tijuana nude on black velvet, and tell this shamelessly inappropriate joke:

There was this airplane over the Atlantic on its way to New York, and it was full of men from the United Nations.

Halfway over the ocean the engines run low on petrol. So they have to lighten the plane. They heave out all the baggage, but it's still too heavy. They chuck out all the seats, but it's still too heavy.

Finally, this Frenchman steps up, shouts, "Vive la France," and leaps out. Then an Englishman steps up, shouts, "God save the Queen," and he leaps out. But the plane is still too heavy.

So the Yank delegate, from Texas, steps up, shouts, "Remember the Alamo," and chucks out the Mexican! 

Cinco de Mayo celebrations include traditional feasts, pinatas, and intricately painted pottery depicting Mexico's Mayan and Aztec heritage. The music of black-coated Mariachi bands fires the blood as brightly colored dancers parade down the boulevards of Mexico City.

We take the annual opportunity of Cinco de Mayo to watch Disney Studios' most bizarre and trippy feature, The Three Caballeros. The combination animated and live-action film premiered in Mexico City in December, 1944, and was released in the U.S. in February, 1945.

When America entered WWII, the government commandeered all public and private commercial interests for the war effort, and Walt Disney Productions was no exception. Army personnel were assigned to the studio and oversaw the production of propaganda and training films. To keep Walt from going crazy, his senior people arranged for him to take an extended goodwill tour of Latin America, and this Technicolor musical was the result.

Although the compilation of short segments features South America and Central America, as well as Mexico, the entire piece carries the flavor that we emulate in our festivities. Best viewed after several pitchers of margaritas.

We have been hosting Cinco de Mayo dinner parties for almost thirty-five years. One time I made turkey mole. I roasted all kinds of exotic seeds, nuts, and spices, and crushed them in a mortar and pestle. I stemmed and seeded bunches of dried chiles, I found authentic Mexican oregano, I chopped onions, garlic, tomatoes and Serrano peppers. And I purchased the best Mexican bittersweet chocolate I could find.

I carved the turkey breast, laded on the mole sauce, and proudly brought it to the table. I sat down and watched my guests serve themselves, anticipating the accolades that were sure to come.

I glanced around the table in horror as barely concealed looks of repugnance spread from face to face.

"Is it supposed to taste like this?" asked my brother.

I hurriedly took a bite and it was all I could do to not spit it out on my plate.


I had made one little mistake. The recipe called for 2 ounces of Mexican chocolate (made with roasted, ground cacao nibs, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice), but I added 2 8-ounce BARS!

Fortunately we had a second main course and plenty of other food to go around. But to this day, I have not been able to live it down and I am constantly reminded of it.

We have prepared fabulous guacamole and salsas, taco buffets, seafood and shellfish, Mexican lasagna, Mexican spaghetti, huevos rancheros, grilled fajitas, amazing flans, and melt-in-your-mouth tres leches cakes. But do any of my family and friends remember these? Nooooo!


I believe these recipes will serve you better.

The ubiquitous tortilla is a round, unleavened corn or flour flatbread. Rolled around a savory filling it becomes a burrito; stuffed and baked in sauce, it becomes an enchilada; deep fried, a tostada; pressed into a halfmoon around a filling and deep fried, a quesadilla.

We have not had good success making these from scratch using masa, but if you feel adventurous, or have la abuela to teach you, by all means, give it a try. You can find tortilla presses online or in Mexican markets. Just have a few packages of store bought tortillas as back up.

We have found that dinner music enhances any meal set upon the table, and especially when you have gone to so much effort to prepare it. If you're not aware, Linda Ronstadt has two excellent recordings of authentic Mexican folk songs and ballads entitled Canciones de mi Padre (Songs of My Father) and Mas Canciones (More Songs). The album was developed into a stage presentation for "Great Performances" and aired on PBS stations in 1989. Unfortunately, both the CDs and the video are out of print. But the link to the video on YouTube can be found at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCcqhifBLeE

Huevos Rancheros

Huevos Rancheros, literally "ranch eggs," has as many variations as there are Mexican cooks. Our variation can more rightly be called breakfast burritos, and these delectable roll-ups have graced many a Sunday brunch and weeknight table, alike.

If you are lucky enough to be able to get fresh eggs from a local farm they are worth their weight in gold. They are twice the price of store bought white eggs, but shop around and see what you can find, it is definitely worth it.


Serve with Dole refrigerated tropical juice blends, and Kahlúa spiked coffee with cream. There is also a Mexican Chocolate flavored coffee creamer available at most markets which is rich and authentic.

1 lb chorizo

9 whole eggs, beaten

14-oz can Rotel diced tomatoes and chilis, drained

Refried beans

Queso fresco cheese, crumbled

Canned, sliced, black olives, drained

Sour cream

Flour and corn tortillas

Brown chorizo in large, non-stick frying pan, drain. Add drained tomatoes and chilis and stir till heated through. Add eggs and stir as you would for scrambled eggs. Meanwhile, heat refried beans in small pot with 2 T butter. Place large spoonfuls of egg mixture and beans in flour or lightly fried corn tortillas. Top with cheese, sour cream, and black olives.

Our boys always compete to see who can finish their burritos with the cleanest plate.

Avocado Salad

We used this simple salad one year in place of guacamole and it has become one of our favorite first courses. We originally topped the salad with Kraft salsa salad dressing, which is no longer available. However, a salsa dressing is easy to recreate at home. Salsa salad dressing recipes can start with ranch dressing, mayonnaise, or sour cream, with the addition of jarred rojo (red) or verde (green) salsa.

I prefer a sour cream and verde dressing, while my family likes a ranch and red salsa dressing. You can adjust the heat of the dressing by selecting a mild or medium salsa, hot will overpower the vegetables.

This refreshing salad uses variety bell peppers, sweet onion, spring lettuce, red and yellow tomatoes, and ripe avocados.

Ripe avocados

Vidalia onion, sliced into rings

Red leaf lettuce

Red & yellow tomatoes

Variety bell peppers

Salsa salad dressing (see recipe suggestions above)

Arrange lettuce leaves on bottom of individual salad plates. Place a few onion rings on top of lettuce. Place a slice of each different colored bell pepper on top of onions. Halve avocados, remove pits, and gently scoop avocado from shell with tablespoon. Place half of an avocado in center of each dish. Place 2 wedges each of red and yellow tomatoes around avocado. Top with a dollop of salad dressing.

MexiCorn

I love fresh corn, but for many reasons, most having to do with toothpicks and dental floss, I much prefer the kernels removed from the cob. This recipe combines the best of both worlds, the flavor of roasted corn and ease of eating.

The corn is grilled in the husk, then sliced from the cob, combined with a seasoned, garlic-butter sauce with a hint of cayenne, and sprinkled with lime juice and queso fresco (farmer cheese).

1 ear of corn per person, in their husks
4 garlic cloves, coarsely chopped
6 Tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
Fine sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
Cayenne
2 fresh limes
1 cup crumbled queso fresco

Heat the grill to high. Peel back the husks from the corn, but keep them attached at the base. Remove the silk strands from the corn and pull the husks back up. In a large bowl of cold water, soak the corn for at least 10 minutes.

With a mortar and pestle, combine the butter and garlic until smooth. Season to taste with salt, pepper, and cayenne.

Place the corn on the grill, close the grill hood, and cook for 15 to 20 minutes, turning occasionally, until the corn is steamed through and hot, but the kernels are still juicy and crisp. Test by carefully piercing the corn with a knife.

Unwrap the husks from the corn, and holding each ear of corn at one end with paper towels, slice kernels from cob with paring knife into bowl. Toss corn with the garlic butter.

Squeeze lime juice over the corn on plate and sprinkle with cheese.

Lengua Dunatos

This recipe of my own invention is based on the classic peasant dish that is popular throughout Mexico, and has become a favorite of Mexican haute cuisine. If you've never tried this, don't stick your tongue out at it.

The recipe begins with simmering a whole beef tongue in water lightly seasoned with salt, pepper, and cumin. The trimmed and sliced tongue is added to a savory vegetable sauce of red tomatoes, tomatillos, jalapeno peppers, Spanish onion, garlic, chopped green chilis, and fresh cilantro. 

By the time you roll it up in a burrito, with sliced black olives and sour cream, all you will notice is the tender, succulent, rich and satisfying taste and texture.

Beef tongue

Peanut oil

Red tomatoes

Tomatillos

Jalapeno peppers

Large Spanish onion

2 cloves garlic

13-oz can beef broth

Cumin

2 Tablespoons fresh cilantro

Can chopped green chilis

Can sliced black olives (for garnish)

Sour cream (for garnish)

Early in day, place beef tongue in dutch oven and cover with cold water. Add 1 t each of cumin, sea salt, cracked pepper, onion powder and garlic powder. Bring to boil, cover, reduce heat and gently simmer one hour per pound or until fork tender. Remove tongue to platter and let cool 20 minutes. Peel skin from tongue. Slice and set aside.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Saute 2 chopped tomatoes, 8 husked & chopped tomatillos, 1 seeded and diced jalapeno pepper or to taste, and diced onion and garlic in peanut oil in dutch oven. Add beef broth, canned chilis, chopped cilantro and 1 t sea salt. Bring to simmer and add sliced tongue. Transfer to casserole dish and bake 30 minutes. At table, use slotted spoon to place Lengua Dunatos on large flour tortillas or lightly fried corn tortillas. Top with dollop of sour cream and olives, and serve burrito or taco style. Ole!

Mexican Spaghetti


One of our favorite possessions is a coffee table book called Mexico the Beautiful Cookbook. This oversize volume contains limitless ideas for authentic, regional recipes, from village cantinas to five-star Mexico City restaurants. The publication features full-color, glossy photography. A passage from the introduction explains:

The drama of Mexico's tumultuous history - the rise and fall of the Olmec and Maya civilizations, the magnificent Aztec world that greeted Cortes, the arrival of the Spanish conquistadors, and the turbulent revolutionary years - is vividly reflected in the cuisine of this vast country. Mexican food is history itself, a culinary marriage of native Indian foods such as corn, beans, squash, chocolate and chiles with the Spanish contribution of wheat, rice and meats. The merger resulted in one of the world's most intriguing and least understood cuisines.

And one of the world's most intriguing and least understood cultures.

This fabulous dish has become one of our go-to Mexican dinners. It is adapted from the Mexico the Beautiful Cookbook. We started calling it Mexican spaghetti because it uses vermicelli noodles and a tomato based sauce, but that's where the similarity ends. The pasta is lightly toasted and cooked with browned chorizo, which imparts a distinctive heat and flavor.


The plate is finished with black olives, sliced avocados, and shredded Chihuahua cheese. Enjoy with Cerveza Negra Modelo.

Serves four

Extra virgin olive oil for sauteing
1 medium Spanish onion, diced
4 cloves garlic, thin sliced
1 lb chorizo
1 lb vermicelli
4 ripe tomatoes, seeds removed, chopped
6 cups chicken stock
Fine sea salt and cracked pepper, to taste
2 ripe avocados, sliced
Queso fresco
1 small can sliced black olives, drained

In large frying pan, heat two tablespoons olive oil, and saute onion until translucent. At last minute add garlic to release aroma. Remove from pan and set aside.

Heat two more tablespoons olive oil in frying pan, remove chorizo from casing and brown for four minutes over low heat, taking care not to burn. Remove chorizo from pan and set aside. Drain drippings, leaving enough to coat bottom of pan.

In drippings, toast vermicelli until lightly browned. Transfer from pan to large platter.

Heat two tablespoons olive oil in pan and cook tomatoes on low heat for three minutes, stirring constantly. Add sauteed onions and garlic. Add stock and bring to boil.

Add vermicelli and salt and pepper to taste. Cover and cook over medium heat for five minutes. Uncover and add the chorizo. Continue cooking until liquid is absorbed.

Toss thoroughly and serve immediately. Garnish with olives, avocado slices, and crumbled cheese. Bueno!

Mexican BBQ Marinade

No selection of Mexican recipes would be complete without mentioning the grill. Mexican grilling revolves around Mesquite. You can use Mesquite wood chips or readily available Mesquite charcoal. Whether you are grilling arrachera (skirt steak), huachinango (red snapper), pollo (chicken), or los plátanos (plantains), try this quick and easy marinade. This light and zesty marinade includes safflower oil, lime, sea salt, cracked pepper, cumin, chili powder, garlic, onion, cilantro, and sugar.

½ cup vegetable oil
Juice, pulp, and zest of one lime
½ teaspoon fine sea salt
½ teaspoon freshly cracked black pepper
½ teaspoon chili powder
½ teaspoon cumin
3 cloves garlic, minced
¼ cup fresh cilantro, chopped
¼ cup white onion, diced
1 teaspoon sugar

Banana Grande Pie

Mexico is a land of sweet temptations. From cinnamon coated churros to pan dulce (pastries). From caramel custards to triple cream cakes. From bread puddings to rice puddings. From rainbow sherbet to coffee ice cream. Throw in raw sugar, cacoa beans, coconut, bananas, and exotic tropical fruits, and you have the makings for a truly memorable end to your fiesta.

This recipe marries rich dairy products, bananas, Mexican chocolate, and a cook and serve banana cream pudding & pie filling in a graham cracker crust.

2 bananas, sliced

Extra-serving graham cracker crust

4 ounces Mexican (or any good) bittersweet chocolate

2 Tablespoons milk

1 Tablespoon butter

3 and 1/2 cups Half & Half

2 3-oz packages cook and serve banana cream pudding & pie filling

Whipped cream topping

Over very low heat in small saucepan melt chocolate, milk and butter, stirring constantly. Spread evenly in crust. Refrigerate 30 minutes or until chocolate is firm. Arrange banana slices over chocolate. Meanwhile, in heavy saucepan, prepare both boxes of pudding using half and half in place of milk, according to package directions for pie. Let cool 5 minutes. Spoon over bananas in crust. (If you have extra pudding, simply refrigerate in separate bowl.) Cover with inverted top of crust packaging. Refrigerate 4 hours or until set. To serve, spread with whipped topping. Garnish with shaved Mexican chocolate.

Oh Mayan Brownies

The first recorded evidence of chocolate as a food product dates back to 1900 B.C. Mesoamerica, a region and cultural area extending from Mexico through Central America. In Pre-Columbian Mexico, the Mayans and Aztecs made a drink called Xocoatll from the beans of the cocoa tree. The Aztecs believed that cacao seeds were the gift of Quetzalcoatl, the God of Wisdom, and the seeds had so much value they were used as a form of currency. The fermented, roasted, and ground cocao beans were whipped into a bitter, frothy liquid, mixed with spices and chili peppers. Chocolate was believed to have aphrodisiac powers and to give the drinker strength.

Jose de Acosta, a Spanish Jesuit missionary who lived in Mexico in the 16th century, described the drink as, "Loathsome to such as are not acquainted with it, having a scum or froth that is very unpleasant to the taste. Yet it is a drink very much esteemed among the Indians, where with they feast noble men who pass through their country."

In 1528, the Conquistadors returned to Spain with chocolate still consumed as a beverage. After its arrival in Europe in the sixteenth century, sugar was added to it and it became popular throughout the continent, first among the ruling classes, and then among the common people.

This is a basic scratch brownie recipe, but the addition of canela (Mexican cinnamon), and pequin (Mexican chili powder) make these a uniquely Mexican dessert.

2 sticks unsalted butter plus more for greasing
2 cups sugar
4 large eggs, lightly beaten
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2/3 cup good-quality unsweetened cocoa powder
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon ground Mexican cinnamon (canela)
1/4 teaspoon pequin chili powder or cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt
1/2 teaspoon baking powder

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. With butter, grease thoroughly, a 9-by-13-inch baking dish.

Melt 2 sticks of butter in a small saucepan over low heat. Remove from heat and let cool slightly. Pour butter into large bowl. Add the sugar, eggs, and vanilla to the butter and stir with a wooden spoon until combined.

In a separate bowl, mix the cocoa, flour, cinnamon, chili powder, salt and baking powder with whisk. Add dry ingredients into bowl with wet ingredients and mix with wooden spoon until smooth.


Spread the batter in the prepared pan with rubber spatula, and bake until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out fudgy, 20 to 25 minutes. Cool in pan on a wire rack.

One last joke: A Texas divorce lawyer ran into the courtroom and shouted, "Remember the Alamony!"

So, Via con Dios! And remember, "Badges? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinkin' badges!"

Every Dog Has His Day

I do not visit Reddit very often, mostly due to time constraints, but I occasionally check in on a section called BAD COP NO DONUT. This is where subscribers post links and stories about the unconscionably vast and ever growing number of incidents of police abuses of power against everyday citizens. Some of the stories are humorous, some are outrageous, and all too many are tragic.

In fact, there are so many articles related to authoritarian transgressions, that I do not even report on them anymore. But sometimes I see something so serendipitous, so infused with poetic justice, that I cannot pass it up.

In another recent case of attempted "puppycide" (the killing of family pets by police officers), an unnamed Riverside, California deputy sheriff was attacked by a large dog that "Came at the deputy in an aggressive manner." The fact that small children were playing with the dog did not prevent the deputy from drawing his service pistol and firing.

According to a Riverside County sheriff’s spokesperson, “The deputy, attempting to defend himself, pulled his service weapon, shot one round, and injured himself in the leg. He’s OK. He has non life-threatening injuries.”

When local news film crews arrived on the scene, they found a small pit bull named Precious calmly playing in the yard with several children.

Animal Services did not take the dog into custody because there was no evidence it or the owner had done anything wrong.

Thankfully, the children are okay, Precious is okay, and even the deputy is okay. Besides the obvious justice of which I spoke, what set this item apart for me was a comment that appeared under this heading in Reddit:

"It's a shame the cop didn't blow his balls off and take himself out of the gene pool."

Touche my man, touche!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHsIwQkAJxw

(news footage)

Twisting In the Wind

I have been accused of being a bit "wordy" in my writing. To that I commend the following quote:

"Your tale is of the longest," observed Monks, moving restlessly in his chair.

"It is a true tale of grief and trial, and sorrow, young man," returned Mr. Brownlow," as such tales usually are; if it were one of unmixed joy and happiness, it would be very brief."

A couple of weeks ago, Turner Classic Movies aired the 1968 production, "Oliver!" I'm not big on musicals, but this classic tale of young street roughs plying their trade of pocketpicking in Merry Olde Londontown, has always been a favorite.

How could it not be with the likes of characters such as The Artful Dodger; the capering Jew, Fagin; Nancy, the fallen angel with a heart of gold; the dastardly Bill Sikes; and his irascible bull terrier, Bull's Eye.

I had not seen the movie in years, but being shown uncut and commercial free, the time was ripe to watch it again. After thoroughly enjoying the talents of Ron Moody (Fagin), Mark Lester (Oliver), Jack Wild (Dodger), and Oliver Reed (Sikes), I was reminded of the crush, as a ten year old boy, I had on Shani Wallis as Nancy.

The movie, which garnered eleven nominations at the 41st Academy Awards in 1969, went on to win six, including Best Picture, and Best Director, and an Honorary Academy Award for Onna White "for her brilliant achievements in the art of choreography on film."

The movie was based on the stage play, which, of course, was based on the book, Oliver Twist (1838), by Charles Dickens. The thought occurred to me that as much as I liked the movie, I had never read the original text, and vowed to remedy that omission by checking out the tome from my local library.

Dickens, as it turns out, was a very good writer. Considering it was penned in Victorian English prose, it was remarkably easy to read, charming and engaging, and very witty throughout. And as is usually the case, the book contained depth and detail not possible within the confines of a film.

Some of my favorite quotes are from "Oliver!," and it was interesting to note the comparisons of these quotes between movie and written word.

The quote that I opened this piece with was taken from the book, and did not appear in the movie at all (in fact, the character of Monks, who figured prominently in the plot of the book, was eliminated completely from the film).

Another favorite quote, is when Oliver is first brought to Fagin's den by the Dodger and is invited to join at table with the other boys under Fagin's gentle remonstrances. One of the boys remarks, "Fagin, this sausage is moldy," to which Fagin snaps back, "Shut up and drink your gin!" We never miss the opportunity to inject this into the conversation whenever we have brats, Italian, or Polish. Unfortunately, this quote cannot be attributed to Dickens.

One of my personal favorites is whenever my wife is about to leave the house for work, or to go shopping and run errands, I break into song:

"You can go, but be back soon. You can go, but while you're working, this place, I'm pacing round...until you're home, safe and sound. Cheerio, but be back soon. I dunno, somehow I'll miss you. I love you, that why I say, "Cheerio," not goodbye. Don't be gone long, but be back soon. Give me one long, last look and bless you. Remember our old tune - be back soon!"

Fortunately, I have the best singing voice in my family.

A brief line from the movie has always intrigued me. Oliver has been "bought" by the undertaker to do menial chores and walk behind the hearse of children's funerals. The older boy at the undertaker's delights in tormenting Oliver, and intentionally baits him by making disparaging comments about Oliver's deceased mother.

One of these remarks is, "What did she die of - shortage of breath?" This is what sets Oliver off as he pummels the bully, who although twice Oliver's size, has to call for help. I could find no online reference to the exact meaning or etymology of this phrase, but I always took it as a sexual reference since Oliver was born out of wedlock. This phrase again, is not in the book.

The final quote that I want to mention and that I always found very humorous, especially coming from a family of lawyers, was the exchange between Mr. Brownlow, Oliver's benefactor and Mr. Bumble, the parish beadle. Mr. Brownlow is chastising the beadle for having made no attempt to seek out any relations of Oliver's when his mother died giving him birth in the parish workhouse. Mr. Bumble tries to lay the blame upon his wife.

"That is no excuse," replied Mr. Brownlow. "You...indeed are the more guilty of the two, in the eye of the law; for the law supposes that your wife acts under your direction."

"If the law supposes that," said Mr. Bumble, squeezing his hat emphatically in both hands, "the law is a ass - a idiot. If that's the eye of the law, the law is a bachelor; and the worst I wish the law is, that his eye may be opened by experience - by experience," laying great stress on the repetition of these two words.

This quote, quite rightly, graces both page and screen.

This says more about me than Dickens, but I always wondered if there was an undercurrent of homosexuality between Fagin and his young charges, who he calls his "loves" and "dears." There is absolutely no substantiation to this effect in the text or in any scholarly review of the work.

Oliver Twist was written very early in Dickens' literary career, and his youthful exuberance clearly shines through. He takes delight in his emerging talent, and like all young cocks-of-the-walk, flexes his artistic muscles for all the world to see. Oliver Twist foreshadows the masterpieces he would conceive later in life, such as The Personal History of David Copperfield, A Tale of Two Cities and Great Expectations.

That being said, however, Dickens falls into the trap of all young writers, one-dimensional characterization.

Fagin is a miser, Sikes is a villain, the Dodger is a miscreant, Nancy is a slave to her own heart, and the personality of the title character, Oliver, is almost non-existent. He is too good to be true, an innocent and unwitting victim of circumstances beyond his understanding.

The one truly developed character, if it can be called such, is London. Dickens takes great pains to paint us a portrait of the Great City from its luxurious townhouses to its festering slums, from its raucous marketplaces, to its most squalid dens of iniquity.

This dovetails nicely with the purpose of the book, to wit: to expose the injustice of English society's class system. We are introduced to the gentry, the men of means who carry out the business of the realm, those gainfully employed who serve them, the debased denizens of dark passages, and the wretched destitute who do not even have the ill-gotten gains of petty larceny to sustain them.

You will note that I used the term "purpose" of the book, not "theme." A theme is woven between the lines, and peeks out from behind the marks on the page. It is developed through plot and characterization. Here, Dickens clubs us over the head with it as surely as the club with which Sikes strikes Nancy down.

There are many similarities between the book and the movie, and also some major discrepancies. Both book and movie do an admirable job of showcasing the haves and the have-nots, although in this case, I tip my hat to the movie in the breathtaking "Consider Yourself" and "Who Will Buy" production numbers. The movie also portrays the lead roles as far more sympathetic than in the book.

For better or worse, the film version also cleans up the book's ending quite a bit. In the movie, Sikes is shot by a police officer as he attempts to swing by a rope from one rooftop to another, and his body hangs by the rope about his waist. In the book, Sikes slips of his own volition, and he is left hanging by the neck in ghastly detail.

The movie depicts Fagin and the Dodger, down but not out, walking together into the sunset. In the novel, the Artful Dodger is shipped off to a penal colony, and Fagin is led to the gallows, broken in mind and body.

After rediscovering the movie, and discovering the book for the first time, I was left with one thought: to humbly approach Mr. Dickens, arms outstretched, and say, "Please, sir, I want some more."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6K9J4G6pgM (Be Back Soon)

Confession Is Good For the Soul

I happened to catch an old, black and white episode of Perry Mason, starring Raymond Burr, last night. The first half of the show was a cocktail party and all the guests were trash talking about the other guests behind their backs. Of course, one of the partygoers was found murdered, and the lead suspect was the daughter of a friend of Mason's. The police take the suspect into custody.

When we return from a commercial break, we're now in the courtroom. We hear from the chief detective and county coroner, and the prosecution calls it's next witness. Mason stands up for cross-examination, walks up to the witness box and says, "You say your name is so and so," and the witness leans forward in the box and shouts out, "I confess! I did it! I can't take this questioning anymore!"

But then a guy in the gallery stands up and says, "No, I did it! After the witness on the stand left the victim, he was alive and I finished him off. I can't take looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life!"

Everyone is looking at the man in the gallery, when all of a sudden a guy bursts through the courtroom doors and yells out, "No, I did it! I was hiding behind the curtains, and after seeing the first guy stab the victim, and the second guy shoot the victim, he was STILL alive and I strangled him."

As all the spectators stare at the new guy, a bailiff walks up to Mason and hands him an envelope. Mason opens it and reads the letter, then says, "If it please the court, I've just been handed this letter." Then he reads: "My name is doctor so and so, and I lead a team of relief workers in an African country. I was in town on the night in question for a symposium, and it was I who killed the victim. After I found him stabbed, shot, and strangled, I hit him over the head with the art deco ashtray you found smashed at the scene. I will be turning myself in as soon as the tse tse fly epidemic is brought under control."

The judge bangs his gavel and says, "The defendant is free to go. The court will now recess for lunch."

Della Street and Paul Drake congratulate Perry. Show ends with theme song.

Great stuff!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HT4wkkkaFTc (Theme Song)

Plus You Get To Practice Licking

I love ice cream. I mean I really love ice cream. I am diabetic, and even the risk of blindness and organ failure cannot curb my craving. I love the coldness, the smoothness, the creaminess, the richness, the silkiness, the depth of flavor.

I love ice cream on the hottest days of summer and the darkest days of winter. I love it in cones, cups, sundaes, shakes, malts, splits, and novelties.

But while I've been dabbling in chocolate, vanilla, mint, coffee, and butter pecan, A-list celebrities have been indulging in a whole other dimension.

London-based ice cream maker, The Icecreamists, have been offering an herbal, erectile-stimulant laced flavor called "Sex Bomb," as well as their breast milk ice cream, "Lady Gaga," for years.

Now a South Wales ice cream company, Lick Me I’m Delicious, has concocted a bright-blue-colored ice cream mixed with Viagra.

Developed for a party given by an "A-list celebrity," that the maker will not reveal, the Arousal named ice cream contains 25mg of Viagra per scoop.

This gives a whole new meaning to 'soft serve' and 'hard-pack.'

The confectioner stated, "It's all very secretive. We had to sign a confidentiality agreement so I can't reveal the name of the client. All I'm allowed to say is it was for a party, there was a great reaction, and that they were very happy with the end result."

A sparkle was added to the dysfunction-defying dessert with champagne. He added, "Creating the ice cream was great fun." But the ice cream came with a warning that if your cone remains hard for more than four hours, seek immediate help from "Mister Softee."

Rumors that the ice cream maker is now being referred to as "The Good Humor Man" could not be immediately verified.

Lick Me I’m Delicious has been in the news before when they came out with a glow in the dark ice cream using jellyfish luminescence protein.

Of course these exotic, and erotic, products are not available in the prurient U.S.

If you do find the Viagra ice cream though, make sure you have your protective wrappers.

And can rainbow flavored, psychedelic ice cream be far behind?

Rebirth - The Story of Passover and Easter

I believe in miracles. Life is a miracle. The existence of the universe is a miracle. The indomitable spirit of the human soul is a miracle. And the fact that science can provide empirical explanations for these miracles, in no way lessens their impact or significance.

To me, Easter and Passover have always been inextricably linked. The heart of the Christian religion is the Resurrection of Christ, and the heart of the Jewish religion is the Exodus from Egypt. It is no coincidence that both holidays are celebrated in the springtime because both stories speak of rebirth - the rebirth of the spirit, the mind, and the body. The two holidays embody the cornerstones of Western Civilization - faith and freedom.

These stories of redemption were born out of horrendous brutality. The Judea that Jesus knew was a land subjugated by the will of Rome. Torture and executions were commonplace and corrupt officials used networks of informers and betrayers to ruthlessly crush rebellion, which fomented continually. Poverty and disease were rampant, and the people looked for a Deliverer.

A thousand years before the tyranny of Rome, the Hebrew people toiled for generations as slaves under the whips of taskmasters in a place where human life was worth less than the mud of the brick pits. Amidst the starvation and crippling labor, the people looked for the God of Abraham to lead them out of bondage.

Surely in this day and age, it is common knowledge that Jesus went up to Jerusalem to celebrate the Passover, and that the Last Supper was in fact the Passover Seder. Even the symbolism of the two holidays is intertwined. The very name of the Easter holiday in many foreign countries is derived from the word Passover. The word Passover in Hebrew is Pesach. In France, Easter is called Pacques, in Italy Pasqua, in Spain Pascua, in Denmark Paaske, and in Wales Pasg.

The Eucharist received at Mass is taken from the unleavened bread that Jesus bade the Disciples to eat, and which we know today as Matzah. The roasted lamb shank which appears on the Seder plate recalls the roasted lamb which God instructed the Hebrews to eat on the eve of their departure from Egypt. Jesus, often referred to as the Lamb of God, sacrificed Himself for us, and lamb remains a traditional centerpiece for Easter dinner. The Seder plate also contains a roasted egg which symbolizes the animal sacrifice that was brought to the Temple in Jerusalem before each Passover. The egg, a symbol of life in all cultures, is the primary Easter icon.

Even the custom of hunting for Easter eggs finds its basis in the rituals of Passover. The most important preparation for Passover is cleansing the home of chometz. Chometz is any food not kosher for Passover, particularly any food made with flour such as bread, cookies, noodles, crackers, etc. Even after all these food products are removed from the home, the ritual involves a final symbolic cleansing. On Passover eve, pieces of chometz are hidden around the house. Some of my fondest memories from childhood are of searching the house by candlelight with my brother and sisters, looking for these hidden slices of bread, cookies, and crackers. My mother knew exactly how many pieces of chometz she had hidden, and would tell us if there were still more to find. Often to her amazement, we would find more than she had hidden, but with five young children in the house, perhaps this was not to be wondered at.

Then my father would put all the accumulated chometz into a brown paper bag and we would all go out onto the driveway. My father would then light the bag on fire and burn the chometz. The neighbors would come out to watch, and kids from all over the block would gather to participate. My father would recite the blessing in Hebrew and we knew that Passover had arrived. This is the blessing translated:

"Blessed art Thou, Eternal our God, Ruler of the universe, Who made us holy with His commandments, and commanded us to remove the leaven. Any leaven that may still be in the house, which I have not seen or have not removed, shall be as if it does not exist, and as the dust of the earth."

One of the mitzvahs (sacred blessings) of Passover is to include "gentile" guests at the Seder. Especially during my college years, I always had friends at the Seder table. The amount of fun, laughter, (and wine) which we had cannot be calculated, but the companionship that we shared, lasts to this day. This mitzvah extends to non-Jewish guests and to those, Jewish or non-Jewish, who are in need. Charity goes to the heart of devotion. How can we indulge ourselves in the love and abundance of the holidays without our thoughts turning to those who have less, or nothing at all, spiritually or materially?

Besides giving financially to the synagogue and the church, I can't remember a Passover or Easter when my parents and my wife's parents did not have at the table, people of other faiths, or people with less means, to share in the celebration. Far be it from me to preach, in this day and age of downsizing, layoffs, unemployment and living from paycheck to paycheck. Charity begins at home, and we must always think of our own first. All I am saying is do what you feel you can. Contribute of yourself, whether that be of time, money, foodstuffs, or talents. The efforts will not be in vain.

I have the blessing of living in a blended family. As is obvious by now, I am Jewish and my wife is Catholic. While each of us cherishes our heritage and upbringing, and firmly believes in a Supreme Being, neither of us blindly adhere to the dogma of our religions. We feel that our children receive the benefit of being raised in an atmosphere of love and morality and tolerance and acceptance of others, and that they receive the opportunity to experience the traditions of both faiths. Attending church on Easter morning has always been a deeply profound and thought-provoking experience for me, and basking in the joy and warmth of the Seder has always been a very reaffirming time for my wife. What lessons and memories our boys bring with them into their adult lives, only time will tell.

Easter finds its roots in the ancient pagan festival honoring Eastre, the goddess of spring and the dawn. Easter has come to symbolize the triumph of life over death and the affirmation that the soul is immortal. Easter is a holiday of pastel colors in purples and pinks and blues. It is a time to throw open the windows and air out the house after a long winter. Friends and relatives display the latest spring fashions. Children take delight in biting off the ears and tails of chocolate bunnies. Eggs become brightly colored treasures to hunt and roll in the first light of morning.

One of my wife's most cherished Easter memories from her youth was the annual blessing of the family's holiday food basket. On Holy Saturday, her entire family would go to their local Polish church and stand in a line that stretched around the block to have their Easter meal blessed by the Priest and sprinkled with Holy Water. The basket always contained black bread, eggs colored brown by wrapping and boiling in onionskins, ham, fresh smoked Polish sausage, parsley, horseradish root, vinegar, course salt, and lamb butter. For dessert, her mother would make a luscious frosted pound cake in an antique lamb mold that was only brought out once a year. She would sprinkle the iced cake with shredded coconut to create a "wool" effect and use a Redhot cinnamon heart for the nose and raisins for the eyes. Fortunately I was able to enjoy many Easter dinners with my wife's family before her folks moved to Florida.

I have to admit that we don't decorate for Easter and Passover anywhere near as much as many of the other holidays. Easter and Passover are deeply spiritual times, times for introspection and not gaudy display. Although we attend the Seder at my sister's home with the family (all 30 of us!) and enjoy Passover foods and recipes during the week of Passover, we do not keep Passover ourselves. Decorations for Passover center around the table: Seder plates, Matzah covers, linens, wine goblets, serving ware and Haggadahs (the Seder prayer books) which come in many beautifully illustrated editions.

Traditional Easter decorations include baskets, flowers, ceramic rabbits and chicks, and of course, eggs. If you have young children, there is no greater joy than watching their delight in coloring eggs. The fun that can be had with food dye is limitless, as are the color possibilities. With some simple supervision (so that everything doesn't come out muddy brown) the kids can create different shades to their hearts content. If your children are a little older and consider themselves much too mature to decorate eggs, try arranging a basket with a combination of white and brown eggs that you can buy at the store. This makes a very elegant and natural arrangement with no trouble at all. Also, baskets in and of themselves make lovely decorations placed around the home. Grocers and candy shops have aisles of brightly wrapped confections for Easter. Fill a basket or depression glass bowl with these whimsical chocolate morsels or jelly beans.

As with all the holidays, we maintain that if you do no other decorating, a holiday theme can be achieved by decorating the holiday table. Place a lamb butter on a ceramic leaf plate and decorate with sprigs of fresh mint. Use colorful pastel table linens and dishes, and serve foods in napkin-lined baskets. Place an arrangement of fresh tulips on the table. Or perhaps try this easy craft project. Go to your local craft store and buy a five-inch diameter basket, enough modeling clay to fill it, a small package of sphagnum moss, 8 silk pussy willow wands and a package of ornament hooks. Choose a variety of miniature baskets and other tiny decorations. Secure willow wands in clay in basket, surround with moss, and hang decorations from the buds with hooks.

Another fun project which is appropriate for Passover, Easter, and any other holiday gathering is the making of place cards. If you are computer literate, use any design program with decorative fonts and clipart to produce individualized place cards. If you prefer doing craft projects by hand, art supply stores offer a vast array of materials and advice. Be sure to include the holiday and date, as well as name of guest, on your place card. These will be cherished additions to photo albums and scrapbooks for years to come (so try not to get gravy on them!).

These projects also make wonderful hostess gifts. If you are going to the home of a friend or relative for the holidays, ask them for a list of the names of all the people who will be there. A set of place cards will be a practical and greatly appreciated gift. A good bottle of kosher wine (which now go well beyond the days of Mogen David concord grape) or a bouquet of white lilies would also be welcome offerings. And of course, hand made napkins or placemats would be a gift of immeasurable thoughtfulness. There is an abundance of Passover and Easter patterns readily available at fabric stores and online. A gift given in love is love given as a gift!

In producing this website, one of the things that I most enjoy is talking about the movies associated with the various holidays. It gives me a chance to remember good times shared with family, a bowl of steaming, buttery popcorn on the coffee table. But when one thinks about holidays and movies, certainly Christmas with its plethora of Yuletide favorites, or Halloween with its endless array of horror films, spring to mind well before Easter and Passover. Yet the 40 days of Lent is barely enough time to watch all the worthwhile pictures appropriate to the season. Consider the following suggestions.

First we start with Cecil B. DeMille's 1956 classic The Ten Commandments. Nominated for 5 Academy Awards and winner for Best Special Effects, Charlton Heston stars as Moses in this lavish telling of the Exodus from Egypt. This was DeMille's last film and was shot on location in Egypt and the Sinai. For 3 hours and 20 minutes you will be transported back to the days of the Egyptian civilization at its zenith. At this time I am going to debunk an urban legend. Edward G. Robinson, in the role of Dathan the Hebrew Overseer, never says "Where's your Moses now?" Sorry folks! Co-starring Yul Brynner, Anne Baxter, Edward G. Robinson, and Vincent Price. Purists may want to look for the English version with hieroglyphic subtitles. Just kidding. There is also a silent 1923 production of The Ten Commandments, directed by DeMille, with all the pageantry and grandeur of the Technicolor remake. The original is still available online.

Heston also stars in 1959's biblical epic Ben-Hur. Directed by William Wyler and based on the novel by Governor Lew Wallace this winner of 11 Academy Awards including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Cinematography, Best Editing, Best Costumes, Best Set Design, Best Sound, Best Score and Best Special Effects also features an army of extras, 50,000 strong. Clocking in at 3 hours and 42 minutes, Ben-Hur tells the story of one man's search for vengeance set against the backdrop of Roman occupation and the mission of Christ in Judea. Again, this movie is a remake. The original 1925 silent with an early Technicolor chariot race sequence is also available online.

1961's King of Kings, directed by Nicholas Ray, and starring Jeffrey Hunter, tells the story of Christ's mission through the contrast between the teachings of Christ and the political agitation of Barrabas. This handsomely filmed, reverential treatment is too a remake. The black and white 1927 silent is available with the original Photophone score and features a rare Technicolor Resurrection sequence. A very cool, early special effects scene depicts Jesus driving the personifications of the seven deadly sins from the body of Mary Magdalene. This version was directed by our old friend, Cecil B. DeMille.

1965 brought us Max Von Sydow as Jesus in The Greatest Story Ever Told, directed by George Stevens. Perhaps the most artistic telling of the story, this film earned five Academy Award nominations for Cinematography, Score, Art Direction, Costumes, and Special Visual Effects. The restrained tale focuses on Jesus' parables and quiet teachings of love and brotherhood. Co-starring Jose Ferrer, Van Heflin, Charlton Heston, Angela Lansbury, Roddy McDowall, Sal Mineo, Donald Pleasance, Claude Rains, Sidney Poitier, Telly Savalas, and John Wayne in a cameo as a Roman Centurion.

For silent film buffs (of which I am one) check out the 1928 version of Jesus of Nazareth shown with title cards.

For fans of miniseries, there is 1976's Jesus of Nazareth directed by Franco Zeffirelli. Starring Robert Powell and an all-star cast, this is the most complete telling of the story of Christ, from the wedding of Mary and Joseph through the Resurrection and Ascension. A little known fact is that British actor Robert Powell does not blink in any of his scenes. Although you may not consciously notice this while watching the film, Zeffirelli felt that this would have a subliminal effect on viewers.

For those of us who grew up in the 70's, there are Godspell and Jesus Christ Superstar. Both movies, based on hit Broadway plays, were released on film in 1973 and offered very contemporary interpretations of the life of Christ. Although controversial at the time, we can now enjoy them for their nostalgia and award winning scores.

Godspell, starring Victor Garber, enacts Christ's parables through elaborate production numbers and such songs as Day by Day and Light of the World. A decidedly flower-child interpretation can be enjoyed today for its gentle theme of peace and love.

The rock opera Jesus Christ Superstar, starring Ted Neely and Yvonne Elliman, and directed by Norman Jewison, is told through the eyes of Mary Magdalene and portrays Jesus as a political pawn caught up in a celebrity he did not want. The words and music of Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber propel the story to its inevitable climax.

For the young, and young at heart, there is the animated feature Prince of Egypt, 1998, Dreamworks - Spielberg and company's big budget musical telling of the story of Moses. With the voice talents of Val Kilmer, Patrick Stewart, Sandra Bullock, and Michelle Pfieffer.

My most controversial recommendation is Mel Gibson's controversial 2004 movie The Passion of the Christ. This extremely graphic telling of the final twelve hours in the life of Jesus hammers home (no pun intended) the barbarity that was Judea under Imperial Rome. The dialogue is spoken in the ancient Aramaic language, along with Latin and Hebrew. My wife refuses to watch it, but I have often tried to point out the physical horrors that such an ordeal would have embodied. I view it every year while my wife is at work. We do not discuss it.

And lastly, for a complete change of pace, there is 1948's Easter Parade starring Fred Astaire and Judy Garland. Winner of the Academy Award for Best Score, this movie is an Irving Berlin songfest. So get out your Easter bonnet, eat a chocolate bunny, color a hard-boiled egg, and enjoy the celebration of springtime.

I have many axioms that I use in the kitchen, especially when teaching my boys how to cook. One of the first things I told them is that if you can cook eggs, you'll never starve. There is no food product more essential or more versatile than eggs. With this in mind, I feel that it is quite apropos at Easter and Passover time to offer three different recipes that use eggs as a main ingredient.

Egg Salad

The key to making a good egg salad is simplicity. The day after Easter, peel a dozen of your colored hard-boiled eggs. Use your egg slicer for perfectly chopped eggs. Slice each egg in one direction and then rotate the egg 90 degrees and slice a second time. Add just enough mayonnaise (do not use sandwich spreads such as Miracle Whip) to moisten. Start with about a third of a cup. Another one of my sayings, which the boys know by heart, is you can always add more mayo, but you can't take it out. Add a jar of capers, drained. Season with a pinch of salt and a pinch of white pepper. Stir thoroughly. Sprinkle with sweet Hungarian paprika. Serve on toast.

Matzah Brei (Scrambled Eggs & Matzah)

This hearty breakfast dish has counterparts in most ethnic cuisines. You'll find this dish in Mexican cooking made with tortillas, for example. The basic recipe is one egg per matzah, and one to two matzahs per person, depending on appetites. I can make a box of twelve matzahs and a dozen eggs for my family of four and it is just enough to satisfy our teenage boys.

Take matzahs and break them up into a bowl. I find that a variety of different size pieces (from postage stamps to Post-It notes) works best. After all the matzahs are broken up, fill the bowl with cool water to soak pieces. Soak for a few seconds then drain off all the water. Some people put the matzahs in a sieve and press out all the water, but I do not find this to be necessary as long as you drain thoroughly.

Melt a couple of tablespoons to half a stick of butter, depending on how much you are making in large non-stick frying pan. Fry the matzahs in butter, turning now and then with large spatula. Meanwhile, break eggs into bowl and beat. When edges of matzah pieces start to brown and matzah is sizzling, pour in eggs and stir. Stir as you would for scrambled eggs. Add salt and pepper at the table to taste. Serve with orange juice and coffee.

Why is this night different from all other nights? The Seder, the traditional retelling of the story of the Exodus from Egypt is centered around the table. Many blessings are said: over the fruit of the vine, over the bread of the earth, over the thankfulness of the season, even over the washing of the hands. Bitter herbs are eaten; parsley or potatoes are dipped in salt water to symbolize the tears shed in slavery as well as for the Egyptian foes who perished in the Red Sea.

One of the most beautiful traditions of the Seder is dipping out one drop of wine from a full cup for each of the Ten Plagues visited upon the Egyptian people. A full cup of wine symbolized a full heart, and this gesture serves to remind us of the suffering even of our enemies.

Songs are sung. Questions are asked. Answers are given. (Such as, what cheese do you eat at Passover? Answer: matzah-rella.) And it is here, with song and food and laughter, that the blessings of freedom are bestowed from one generation to the next.

Then the meal is served. There is tender brisket, matzah stuffing, and vegetable dishes such as tsimmes, a casserole made of carrots, sweet potatoes, dates, honey, cinnamon, and orange zest. But to start it all off, deep bowls of matzah ball soup.

Chicken Soup with Matzah Balls and Pupiks

This recipe will serve eight guests with 2 large matzah balls each.

Prepare stock the day ahead. Place 2 cut up fryers or one large capon with neck(s) into large stockpot. For an extra rich stock, you can add 1 lb. of chicken feet (any good butcher should be able to supply these). Add 3 tablespoons fresh chopped parsley and 2 tablespoons each of fresh chopped sage and thyme. Add 4 medium yellow onions chopped in quarters, 4 stalks of celery with leaves, cut into 2 inch sections, 1 lb. parsnips, peeled and cut into 2 inch chunks, and 1 lb of carrots, peeled and cut into 2 inch chunks. Add 4 cloves coarsely chopped garlic. Add 2 tablespoons kosher salt and 1 teaspoon cracked pepper. Fill stockpot with cold water, leaving enough room so that it will not boil over onto your stove. Bring just to a boil, cover, reduce heat and simmer for 2 and a half hours. When water first comes to a boil, skim off brown foam with spoon and discard. Check every few minutes and do this until brown foam stops forming.

Meanwhile, place giblets from chickens, except livers, plus 1 lb. of pupiks (chicken gizzards) in separate pot. Livers will disintegrate in soup and muddy the flavor. (Fry livers separately in a little butter and enjoy as a treat for the cook.) Add 1 teaspoon of salt and a half-teaspoon of cracked pepper. Cover with water and simmer for one and a half hours. Let cool and refrigerate in covered bowl. You will be adding these to the finished soup to be served with the matzah balls.

When stock is ready, remove meat and vegetables (except onions which get slimy) with slotted spoon and set aside. Strain stock, let cool, and refrigerate overnight. Discard onions and chicken feet. By doing this the day ahead, fat will rise to the top and solidify overnight so that it can be easily skimmed and used for the schmaltz (rendered fat) for your matzah balls. This will also leave you with a very rich fat free stock. We always make an evening meal of the cooked chicken and vegetables. Just serve with some crusty bread (the last you'll have for 8 days if you're keeping Passover). Since you'll be feasting the next night at the Seder, this should be enough. Any left over bread can be used in the search for chumutz (see above).

Late in the afternoon of the next day (the day of the Seder) remove stock from the refrigerator and skim schmaltz. You will need ¾ of a cup. If there is not quite enough, add vegetable oil to make up the difference. You will also need about ¾ cup of stock. If stock is jellied, warm ¾ cup in saucepan and let cool. In medium sized mixing bowl, beat twelve eggs with schmaltz. In large mixing bowl blend 3 cups (1 box) matzah meal and 1 to 2 teaspoons of table salt. Pour egg mixture into matzah meal and stir thoroughly with fork. Add just enough stock to make a smooth consistency - you do not want mixture to be wet! Cover and refrigerate for 1 hour. While batter is resting, bring stock in large kettle up to boil. Add 1 lb. of peeled and thinly sliced carrots and 2 bunches of chopped green onions. Return cooked giblets and pupiks from day before to soup.

Now form the matzah balls. Wet your hands with cool water before forming each matzah ball. The matzah balls can be any size from golf ball size (if you're having Tiger Woods at your Seder) to baseball size (the size preferred by serious noshers), but make them all the same size so that they cook evenly. Drop into gently boiling soup. Soup must be boiling! After all the matzah balls are in, cover pot. You should try to plan this so that the matzah balls go into the soup just as the Seder is about to start. This way they can cook throughout the Seder and will be ready to serve at mealtime. The larger the matzah balls, the longer they need to cook. Figure on at least 45 minutes to an hour.

This recipe is a lot of work, but during the year this would be a complete meal in itself. At the Passover feast, this is the first of many wonderful courses. If you have trouble on your first attempt, do not despair. All good Jewish mothers and cooks pride themselves on their matzah ball soup and spend years perfecting their techniques.

And trust me. Your guests will enjoy the matzah balls so much, that they'll ask what other parts of the matzah are edible!

[Note: In conjunction with bed rest, aspirin, fluids, and a kiss on the forehead, this recipe will cure the common cold.]