Snow Job

I woke up this morning and totally freaked out. All the local news channels kept saying, "There's no tomorrow."

I immediately started putting my affairs in order, when my wife said, "You idiot, they're saying, 'There is snow tomorrow.'"

Phew, we can all rest easy.

Look Before You Leap

Thirty days has September,

April, June and November,

All the rest have thirty-one,

Except February,

Which has but four and twenty-four,

Till leap year gives it one day more.

The strange phenomenon of leap day is fun for children that recite this rhyme to learn the names and number of days of the months. In fact, I still recite this poem in my head to figure out how many days each month has. For adults it means a Google doodle, and an extra day to get out the end of month reports. For those few, called leaplings, who were born on this special day (the chances of having a birthday on a leap day are about one in 1,461), it presents a unique mathematical anomaly, wherein a sixteen-year-old can say they are celebrating their fourth birthday.

Let's look at the numbers. If asked, most people would say a year equals 365 days. But they would be wrong. It actually takes the Earth 365.242 days to orbit the sun. To compensate, leap years are 366 days long. But even that was not enough to completely reconcile the calendar. Adding in an extra day every four years over corrected, so it was decided that only centuries divisible by 400 would be leap years (thus the years 1700, 1800, and 1900 were not leap years).

Julius Caesar introduced the concept to the Roman calendar in 46 B.C., and the institution was adopted to the Gregorian calendar (our current standard) by Pope Gregory XIII in 1582.

Although it has no furry Pennsylvania rodents, ripe jolly old elves, or round orange squashes to signify it, leap day does have one quaint custom associated with it. Bachelors Day, believed to have originated in Ireland, was the one day of the year when it was acceptable for a woman to propose to a man. Upon refusal, if such were the case, the man was obligated to buy the woman twelve pairs of gloves, one for each month, to hide the shame of having no ring on her finger.

A modern take on this tradition is enacted in the town of Aurora, Illinois, where single women are deputized, and may arrest single men, subject to a four-dollar fine, on February 29th.

But I was doing some arithmetic in my own head, and it occurred to me leap day actually robs you of a day of life. Say for example, that if, God forbid, you should die today, the date of your death would be recorded as February 29th. If it were not leap year, the date of your death would be recorded as March 1st, clearly depriving you of an extra day of life.

But don't worry, you get an hour of that back when we switch to Daylight Saving Time.

Meat & Potatoes

"Hi Mom," I said, walking in the back door of the house after school. "What're we having for dinner?"

"Dad's barbecuing," came the dreaded response.

This was part answer and part warning. The fire department quickly came to appreciate the tip ahead of time that my dad was firing up the grill, and it was not the second coming of Mrs. O'Leary's cow.

I can still picture us playing in the front yard, and my dad flying up the driveway in our family's Rambler station wagon, big enough to serve as an ark in case of rain. It was my job to haul the rusted grill on its three wobbly, aluminum legs, the twenty pound bag of Kingsford charcoal, and the inevitable container of lighter fluid, out of the garage.

My dad came out of the house in checkered Bermuda shorts, black socks and shoes, and a sleeveless white undershirt. He proceeded to pour half the bag of charcoal into the grill, and then doused the mound with fluid. He allowed it to soak in for a few minutes, spritzed on a little more fluid for good measure, and tossed a wooden kitchen match onto the pile.

The flames shot up to the roofline. But while visually impressive, the fluid burned off quickly without igniting the charcoal. The answer? More lighter fluid.

When the briquettes finally did catch, and the barest gray ash appeared along the edges, it was time to cook. My dad flung the wire grate (which to my recollection was never cleaned once in the sixteen years I lived at home) on top of the grill, and slapped on a couple of steaks for him and my brother Bunce, a few hamburgers for me and my mom, and some hotdogs for my sisters.

When I called to my dad's attention the fact that the food was not cooking (because the briquettes never caught), he squirted a stream of lighter fluid onto the charcoal in the narrow gap between the grate and the grill, then he tossed in another match. The food was engulfed in flame, and this is what cooked the meat to my dad's preferred consistency of the bottom of a hobo's boot.

My mother served these rejects from the rawhide factory with mashed potatoes - boxed - of course.

I can still taste the tang of mineral spirits that made my father's barbecuing so distinctive.

This recipe hearkens back to those days of TV dinners and three channels to chose from, when the only kind of man in our neighborhood was a meat and potatoes man. I promise, this dish is better than anything that comes out of a can.

Meat and Potatoes Man Soup

Serves 6

Ingredients

2 lbs ground sirloin
3 cups beef stock
2 10-3/4 ounce cans cream of potato soup
1 10-3/4 ounce can cream of asparagus soup
1 cup carrots, sliced
1 cup celery, sliced
1 cup russet potatoes, peeled and cubed
1/2 cup yellow onion, chopped
1/2 cup fresh curly parsley, chopped
1 tablespoon chili powder
1/2 teaspoon paprika
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
3/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
2 cups whole milk
1 cup Half & Half

Directions

Prepare vegetables and set aside. Place cubed potatoes in bowl and completely cover in cold water until ready to use. (This keeps them from turning brown.)

Heat 4 tablespoons vegetable oil in Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Brown ground sirloin, drain if necessary, and set aside.

Wipe out Dutch oven. Add beef stock, carrots, celery, potatoes, and onion, and bring to boil over medium heat. Reduce heat, cover, and simmer for 15-20 minutes or until vegetables are tender.

Add beef, cans of soup, parsley, and seasonings. Bring to boil over medium heat (to prevent scorching). Reduce heat, cover, and simmer for 45 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Stir in milk and Half & Half. Heat through, but do NOT boil.

Serve with white bread and softened butter.

Hazelnut, Caramel Mocha, French Vanilla, or Baileys Irish Cream (non-alcoholic)

My wife and I are practicing a magic act. She brings me a delicious cup of coffee with flavored creamer in the morning before she leaves for work, and I make it disappear in sixty seconds.

Akbar

Well, I had a funny joke about my Arab proctologist, but my sister (who is also my lawyer) wouldn't let me publish it. She doesn't want me to wind up like Salman Rushdie.

So here's another proctological joke:

What did one prune say to the other prune?

With friends like you, who needs enemas?

Sign, Sign, Everywhere A Sign

While running errands today, I noticed more political signs in people's yards. There were a few for Hillary, and, I was glad to see, a couple for Bernie, including ours. But what I want to know is, who the hell is this Remax guy? Every third house has one of his signs out in front of it.

At least he's honest about it . . .

Gamberetto della Stefano

(sounds better than Shrimp Stephen)

Serves 4

Ingredients

24-ounce bag frozen shrimp (35-45 shrimp per pound), shell-on, deveined

5 scallions (green onions) whites and greens, chopped

4 large cloves garlic, thinly sliced

2.25-ounce can sliced black olives, drained

Juice of 1/2 lemon

1 teaspoon dried oregano (or 1 tablespoon fresh oregano, chopped)

Fine sea salt and freshly cracked pepper, to taste

1 tablespoon unsalted butter

1/4 cup California first cold pressed, extra virgin olive oil, plus more for drizzling

1 lb angel hair pasta

Fresh Parmesan, grated for garnish (do NOT buy pre-grated cheese)

Directions

(A second pair of hands helps with this recipe - one person to take care of the pasta, while the other watches the shrimp.)

Remove shells from shrimp, rinse, pat dry with paper towels, and set aside. Bring Dutch oven two/thirds full of water to rapid boil for pasta. Prepare all ingredients and have standing by.

Heat large frying pan over medium-high heat. Add olive oil to pan and allow to heat until small bubbles form. Add green onions and saute quickly 3-4 minutes. Add garlic slices and saute for an additional minute. Add black olives and stir. Add lemon juice, oregano, 1/4 teaspoon sea salt, and 1/2 teaspoon of pepper. Stir.

Add 1/2 teaspoon salt to Dutch oven and cook pasta according to package directions for al dente 4-5 minutes.

Add shrimp to frying pan and toss to coat. Saute shrimp 4-5 minutes. Do not overcook shrimp. Remove from heat and add butter. Toss to incorporate.

To serve, place serving of pasta on plate. Spoon shrimp and sauce over pasta. Grate Parmesan cheese over dish and dress with olive oil.

Buon appetito!

The Shredded Cheese In Your Refrigerator and the Paper In Your Home Office Shredder May Not Be So Far Apart

I worked for many years in my dream job as the assistant manager of the gourmet food department in an upscale wine and cheese store. The pride and glory of the grocery was a floor to ceiling, open-air, cheese case, from which we hand cut to order, some of the finest artisan cheeses from around the world. I referred to myself as a cheesemonger, while my son dubbed me the only known specimen of the North American Bald-Headed Cheesegeezer.* I stayed in the position until spring of 2009, when a progressive spinal cord disease put me in a wheelchair.

So it is with some embarrassment that I admit to often using pre-shredded, packaged cheeses in my cooking. I have no excuse other than convenience (also known as laziness). That is until I read an online article this morning about several brands of pre-shredded cheeses, carried as house brands of such major grocery chains as Jewel and Walmart. I know that shredded cheeses are processed with a small amount of plant cellulose, a fancy way of saying wood pulp, to avoid clumping, but these brands tested at 100% to 400% above FDA regulations, the products containing filler which accounts for almost 10% of the total packaging by weight.

I shared the post on my wife's Timeline, and we commented back and forth a bit, to the effect that we would no longer be buying pre-shredded cheeses. I logged out of Facebook to take care of some other things, but when I checked my Timeline later in the morning, I noticed the post was no longer there. This is the subsequent email conversation I had with my wife:

Stephen Dunn <holidayman58@yahoo.com>  To Celeste Dunn Today at 2:08 PM

Hi hon, I had some trouble with FB. I guess I double tapped it and opened it twice. I posted a few pieces, including the one about the grated cheese, in the open program. I closed FB, then realized there was another FB open. I closed that too, but when I reopened FB and went to my Timeline, the ones I posted weren't there. I went to your Timeline and they weren't there either. I know we commented a few times about the cheese.

Celeste Dunn <shellie****@gmail.com> To Stephen Dunn Today at 2:10 PM

Hi love,

Damn! It's gone from my timeline as well. WTF!!!

Sometimes I just HATE FB.

Stephen Dunn <holidayman58@yahoo.com> To Celeste Dunn Today at 2:30 PM

Ya, it had something to do with me opening the program twice. It's like the "real" program opened first, but the "copy" program overlaid a fraction of a second later. I entered those posts on the "copy" and when I closed the program, it disappeared. When I reopened the "real" program, of course, the posts weren't there because they never had been. I've had this trouble before with Yahoo. I've double tapped and had conversations with people all day long, and then the next day, the emails are gone like they never even happened.

Celeste Dunn <shellie****@gmail.com> To Stephen Dunn Today at 2:31 PM

Well, then, stop double clicking! 

Actually, you need to get in the habit of checking the tabs at the top of your browser to be sure there is only one instance opened.

I hate when those things happen!!!!

Stephen Dunn <holidayman58@yahoo.com> To Celeste Dunn Today at 2:48 PM

Actually, what I think really happened was that the NSA picked up the code phrases "shredded cheese" and "wood pulp," and passed the information on to the Wisconsin Cheese Council, who turned the screws on the Illinois Retail Association, who dispatched their top lobbyist to consult with a certain congressman, whose chief of staff placed a discrete call to a lawyer, a former federal prosecutor, who spoke to another attorney in a glass walled office high above the city, one of whom's clients happened to be Yahoo, who spoke to the chairman, who spoke to the CEO, who spoke to security, who spoke to IT, who deleted the post.

Or I could have double tapped...

Celeste Dunn <shellie****@gmail.com> To Stephen Dunn Today at 2:54 PM

ROTFLMAO

Stephen Dunn <holidayman58@yahoo.com> To Celeste Dunn Today at 3:02 PM

Interpol is not going to have corporate [my wife works for the U.S. headquarters of a Swiss-owned company] fire you because you're exchanging these subversive thoughts on company time, are they?

Celeste Dunn <shellie****@gmail.com> To Stephen Dunn Today at 3:05 PM

Perhaps, but it would be so worth it to be on Interpol's Most Wanted!

[To be fair, she also said -] 

NOT!

(Or maybe yes. I am a rebel at heart.)

Read the article at: bloomberg.com/news/articles/2016-02-16/the-parmesan-cheese-you-sprinkle-on-your-penne-could-be-wood

*NORTH AMERICAN BALD-HEADED CHEESEGEEZER

North American Bald-headed Cheesegeezer (Cheesegeezerus Unamiabalus): Middle-aged male mammal once native to southwestern Chicago, the Cheesegeezer has been slowly migrating westward for the last several decades, and was last sighted in the environs of Somonauk. Recently placed on the endangered species list (there is reputedly only one left in the wild), this unique specimen mates for life, selecting its mate as the female is walking away from the camera. Subsisting mainly on Spam and Velveeta, the Cheesegeezer also enjoys a variety of desserts, especially hot fudge sundaes from the Dairy Joy in Hinckley. The Bald-headed Cheesegeezer derives its name from its propensity to distribute its curds throughout DuPage County. Naturalists who have studied this bizarre behavior are at a loss to explain it, but think it may have something to do with an innate mongering instinct. The Cheesegeezer can often be observed at work during regular business hours, but approach with caution. When agitated the Cheesegeezer may throw its stinkiest rinds across the counter at unsuspecting customers.

Where There's Smoke

I am reminded of the passage from Genesis 11:6 - "Nothing will be restrained from them which they have imagined to do."

I'm already going to miss the X-Files on Monday nights. I've savored every delicious moment while I could. I cannot believe there is only one more installment before Mulder, Scully, Skinner, the Lone Gunmen, and the Smoking Man, et al (especially Al) fade back into the shadows. The actors said how natural it felt to fall back into the roles, and it felt just as natural to me. I think the response was stronger than anyone expected. They'd be stupid not to follow it up with the announcement of more shows or a movie (but definitely NOT a new series starring the two new agents featured in last night's episode).

As a writer I recognize a brilliant piece of writing when I see it. I stand in awe of "Babylon" writer, director, and series creator, Chris Carter. I can't wait to see what he has in store for the finale. The preview looks action packed, and I'm sure we'll be left with more questions than answers. But that's why we love the show. I will also not look at any unauthorized videos, between now and the episode's broadcast premiere, that may show up on the Internet. I want to be surprised as the story unfolds. We'll know in approximately 6 days, 6 hours, and 13 minutes.

Spoiler Alert: Mulder puts on the moves in last night's brilliantly written show, "Babylon": youtube.com/watch?v=UKWtFOr34d8

Monkeying Around

I'm embarrassed to admit that I follow a teenage, Taiwanese girl named Wei Han Xu. The girl, also known as Weiwei, exploded on the scene in 2014, when pictures of her in her McDonald's uniform went viral. The impossibly adorable fast food worker was first noticed by customers and local media, and her fame quickly spread. Weiwei has her own website, posts regularly on Facebook, and is active on Instagram and Twitter. She is a typically cute schoolgirl, and it's hilarious to follow her antics. It also provides a unique insight into another culture.

Today is Chinese New Year. Weiwei posted a picture of her and her mom at a New Year's dinner celebration. Her posts appear in Chinese, and the translations are rough. But when I saw this one, I was struck with it's inherent poetry. It's not quite Haiku, but it's still beautiful in its own way. So on behalf of Weiwei and her American fan, Happy Year of the Monkey.

No big fish big meat
I should be enough for you
After work indeed fortunate
Two of the world
Our New Year's Eve dinner

#Dinner#Withmom#English#Newyear
Translated from Chinese

https://www.facebook.com/2014applepig

Buzzed Bunny

When it comes to stoner bunnies, this special agent is hopping mad. Drug Enforcement Administration Special Agent Matt Fairbanks recently testified, “I come to represent the actual science. I deal in facts, I deal in science.”

The scientific facts Agent Fairbanks refered to concerned the consumption and resulting intoxication of rabbits from eating medical and recreation marijuana plants.

Special Agent Fairbanks was part of a marijuana eradication effort when he observed the local bunny population had “cultivated a taste for marijuana.”

“One of them refused to leave us and we took all the marijuana around him,” Fairbanks said. “His natural instincts to run were somehow gone.”

When a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) was filed requesting that the DEA hand over the scientific documents proving marijuana cultivation adversely affected bunny sobriety, the agency responded, “After reviewing your request, no responsive records were located.”

Online posts about the agent's comments quickly multiplied.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/02/04/dea-agent-rabbits-are-getting-stoned.html

Winter Solstice Solicitude

I ran across these old, Pagan, yuletide chants for before sleeping and after waking. It struck me, as the early Church adapted primitive customs into the Christian lexicon, what great modern prayers these would make. I took the liberty of doing so. Is this presumptuous of me?

Before sleeping:

As we approach the year's longest night,
I ask you, (insert deity or element),
to be with me / and my loved ones
and safeguard us through the hours.
May we be blessed in community,
bountiful in feast,
and rich in the earth's gifts
as we welcome the return of the light.

After waking:

I arise today
through the strength of the heavens;
light of the sun,
splendor of fire,
clarity of ice,
speed of the wind,
depth of the snow,
stability of the earth,
firmness of the rock.
The light has returned!

New interpretation -

As we approach the day's long night,
I ask you, Lord
to be with me and my loved ones
and safeguard us through the hours.
May we be blessed in Thy community,
bountiful in the Feasts of the Saints,
and rich in Thy gifts
as we welcome the return of Thy light.

I arise today
through the strength of Heaven;
light of Thy Son,
splendor of the Holy Spirit,
clarity of purpose,
speed of Thy will,
depth of my soul,
stability of my faith,
firmness of the Rock.
Thy light has returned!