Roadside Crosses

Just outside of town, at a rural intersection, off to the side of a road we frequent, are two wooden crosses. One is about four feet tall, and the other is about two. The white paint is kept fresh, and throughout the year, they are adorned with seasonal bouquets.

Nik and I were going Christmas shopping this morning, and as we drove by the crosses, they had Santa hats pulled down over the tops.

The Pupik Protocol

I messaged my sister to ask her if she could get me a pound of schmaltz. I said I looked everywhere except the black market. A few facts first. I live in rural Illinois farm country, and the only kind of market you're likely to find out here is a farmers' market. Second, my sister lives in a north Chicago suburb, where schmaltz is easy to get your hands on - so to speak. Third, for those of you who don't know what in the world I'm talking about, schmaltz is rendered chicken fat, long prized by Jewish grandmothers in the making of matzoh balls.

But then the thought hit me, I bet the words "black market" set off a red flag somewhere at NSA Headquarters.

I could picture some guy leaning back in his chair and calling out, "Hey, I got some guy here trying to move a pound of something called 'schmaltz.' Anyone ever hear that one before?"

There's silence all around the room till some guy in the back with a long hooked nose and an intelligent forehead stands up and says, "Well, 'schmaltz' is the Yiddish word for chicken fat. It's used in traditional recipes. When it's refrigerated, it becomes opaque and gelatinous. Not unlike plastic explosives. A pound could do a lot of damage."

Ya, and it could also make one hell of a soup.

Christmas Classified

WANTED: BABY

Stephen J. Dunn has a seasonal position open for a baby to play the infant Jesus in a living creche to be displayed on his front lawn.

The successful candidate will be between 0-6 weeks old, weigh 6-10 lbs, and be 18-22 inches in length. Some experience preferred.

Must enjoy animals, drum solos, and laying in mangers.

Position lasts until Epiphany on January 6th, 2016, pending the arrival of Three Wise Men, provided three wise men can be found.

Mr. Dunn will supply training and swaddling clothes as needed.

Zen

A cop pulls a guy over, and the strong smell of alcohol wafts over him when the driver rolls down his window.

"Sir," says the cop, "I'm placing you under arrest for driving under the influence."

The quick-thinking driver adopts a Zen-like pose, and says, "No, Officer. I'm like two rivers joining together to become one."

"Fine," says the cop, "I'm arresting you for driving under the confluence."