Euphoria

“Well, Hawk, this is shaping up to be the Mother of All Bouts, wouldn't you say?”

“Yes, Bruce, I'd have to agree. Of course, there's been an incredible amount of hype attached to this fight and over seven months of buildup.”

“The Challenger, Salami Hussein, comes into tonight's match ranked fourth worldwide. Much of the debate revolving around Salami has to do with his last fight, which as you know, Hawk, went eight long rounds against a savage opponent, The Human Wave. The fight ended in a judge's decision when the referee determined that due to the condition of both belligerents, the continuation of the match was not in the best interests of the sport.”

“On the other hand, Bruce, the current World Champion, Old King Coalition, comes off a big win over Manuel “Up Your Canal” Bananiega.”

“Well, Hawk, it appears that the fight is about to get under way. Let's go now to center ring and tonight's referee, “Papa” Granda.”

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

IN THIS CORNUH, weighing in at five hundred and forty-five thousands hounds, standing T-72 inches tall, hailing from the Cradle of Civilization, the contenduh, for fifteen rounds OF  championship boxing, wearing khaki turban and camouflaged ba'athrobe, thee Meatcutter of Mosul, SALAMI HUSSEIN!

“AND IN THIS CORNUH, weighing in at seven hundred and thirty-thousand hounds, standing B-52 inches tall, hailing from the Land of the Fee and the Moan of the Slave, the World Champeen, wearing a yellow ribbon and a thousand points of light, thee kinder, thee gentler, read his lips, “OLD KING COALITION!”

DING DING!

“As you see, Bruce, Salami is using the same strategy he employed in his fight with the Human Wave. He came right off the bell and confronted Old King Coalition head to head in the middle of the ring and there he has taken up a defensive posture. Now Old King Coalition moves in. He's circling Salami like a sandstorm, raining blows first upon Salami's head and now upon his breadbasket. Salami makes no response but stares defiantly. The blows seem to be taking little toll. How can Salami withstand such punishment?”

“Well, he is a battle-hard Salami. An interesting side note, Hawk, Salami means 'He Who Spits Up the Ass of a Camel.'”

“Thank you for that, Bruce. Old King Coalition continues to land hit after hit with impunity. Salami still maintains the capability to strike with a variety of counter-punches, and Salami has been known to intentionally foul, as when he ate the Kurds a-whey.”

“Old King Coalition is whirling like a dervish, jabbing, jabbing, without relief, Salami stands in the center of the ring, unblinking.”

“OH MY GOD! Hawk, did you see that? Salami has finally responded with the dreaded Scudpunch.”

“And this is what makes a fight with Salami so dangerous. He didn't even strike Old King Coalition. He hit an observer in the front row!”

“Yes, Hawk, that was none other than Kid Kibbutz, the scrappy little Mediterranean fighter, who is here in the audience tonight as a spectator.”

“Well, Bruce, Salami has always contended that Kid Kibbutz is secretly in Old King Coalition's corner.”

“Kid Kibbutz is back in his seat wearing his gas mask, so I assume he's OK. The referee, “Papa” Granda, is sanctioning Salami.”

“Bruce, this is all part of Salami's strategy. He commands an elite corps of trainers. His manager, Boris Garbagechef, propounds this style of fighting. But as I look in Salami's corner, I see Boris beginning to sweat, something he is not wont to do.”

“The fight is back underway and Old King Coalition pummels Salami with renewed vigor. OH NO! Salami has unleashed another Scudpunch, this time right at Old King Coalition, who deflects the blow with a Patriot Poke.”

I have to interrupt you Bruce, we're about to go live to Marlin Fishwater, Corporation Counsel for Old King Coalition, who is about to make a brief statement.”

“The liberation of Dedweight has begun. The exhibition proceeds on course and on schedule. You all received boxes of popcorn, cooked in burning oil, when you entered the theater of operations. And now we have some videotapes for you to watch.”

“Bruce, we now turn to CON Talking Head, Halfast Jargon, for analysis.”

“Thank you, Hawk. I recently talked to a top Racecourse source, and the smart money seems to be on 'Fog O'War.'”

“Bruce, we'll take a short break here for station identification of our local cable affiliates.”

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“Well, Bruce, we're back. Old King Coalition continues to clobber Salami from the left and the right. From the initial planning stages, Old King Coalition has put a lot at stake in these flanking maneuvers.”

“So one could say he has a flank stake?”

“That's correct, Bruce. Except for an occasional Scudpunch, which have been achieving marginal effect, Salami stands unmoved in mid ring. What can he possibly be up to, Bruce?”

“I wouldn't care to speculate at this time.”

“Bruises are now clearly visible about Salami's lower torso, one eye is blackened, and there's a line of blood across his cheekbone, and yet Old King Coalition seems unable to deliver the coup de grace.”

“Salami has a lot of garlic left in him yet. This may be far from over.”

“Old King Coalition is dancing to his own tune. He throws a Warthog Haymaker and now a B-52 Bolopunch. Salami appears to be showing the effects now. His head is lolling back and forth and drool is running down the corner of his mouth. Boris Garbagechef is frantically motioning to throw in the towel, but Salami remains defiant and on his feet. Old King Coalition is not satisfied. Wait! It looks like Old King Coalition has something in his hand. I think . . . yes . . . it's one of those new UN Resolution Razors with the patented, inflexible-head cartridges. Salami is trying to get back to his corner."

"OLD KING COALITION! . . . throws a sudden uppercut with the UN Resolution Razor . . . UNBELIEVABLE! . . . Old King Coalition has completely cut off Salami's regiments and is now stuffing them in Salami's mouth. It looks like his scudding days are over, ay, Bruce?”

“I'm not going to take that question at this time.”

DING DING!

“That's it, Bruce. Old King Coalition has scored a technical knockout. For reaction we now go to our CON Radio correspondent.”

“Hey, groovy GI Joe's and Jane's, dis iz da Wolfman Blitzer . . . .”