One more story from the "modesty is in the eye of the beholder" file. I had to explain my unique toileting procedure to the nurses. Two of them worked in tandem to insert the 'magic bullet of health' with an "Are you ready? Here we go. Three... two... one... and liftoff!" This was embarrassing enough, but then a guy from physical therapy came in to lift me onto the commode. They were all fascinated by how I transferred from the bed to the commode, and the therapist pointed out my upper body strength to the nurses. But let me tell you, you cannot pull off the he-man act when you're sitting on the pot with a catheter hanging out between your legs.
A young, cute aide named Carly (they're all young and cute and named Carly) asked if I wanted her to stay with me while I did my business. I told her I thought I'd be fine for a while and she left, but said she'd check in with me. Some time later, she stuck her head in the door to see how I was doing. I replied, "I think I'm having some luck right now." She turned her head back out to the hall and called out, "He's going right now."
Every nurse on the floor piled into the room to behold this awesome spectacle while my wife couldn't even look at me knowing what I was thinking. Although I seem to put everything out there in my writing, I am actually a very private person.
After a quick check revealed that I had indeed accomplished my mission, I asked for a few moments alone. I got myself cleaned up, albeit awkwardly (don't ask), and pushed the call button to signal I was done. Carly and two nurses came in and Carly asked, "Now how do you go about getting clean?" I said, "Oh, I already took care of that."
Carly got a big grin on her face and the three of them looked at each other and I could hear them thinking, "Hey, check out the old guy who can wipe his own ass."
Truly one of my proudest moments.
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