A Thousand Joints of Light

 “Hello, mah name is Druggs. Ah'd like ta know why the Yoo-nited States Govyment has declared war on me. Imagine mah su'prise when Ah herd Mistuh Bush say he wanted a kinder, gentler nation, but we're declarin WAR on Druggs! What Ah'd ever do ta him?

“Bah the way, it's awfly nice a'yall ta welcome me with them big, fancy signs. You know the wuns. Ah seen em all the way inta town on the bus, lit up real purty. DRUGS. But Ah'd think kindly if'n y'all remembered fo the next time, Ah spell my name with two G's.

“And how bout all this testin for Druggs. Ah done gradiated the sixth grade, and my eyesight is better'n a jackrabbit, so what they gonna test me on? And what zactly is a spe-cee-min cup?

“Ah hear they got theyselves a Druggs Czar. Well, hell, Ah'm not even Russian.

“It's also come ta mah attention that some kinda car-tel is involved in traffickin Druggs. Well, Ah seen them smart-alecky city fellas drivin round jawin on them car-tels, but mah ol Chevy taint even got a efem radio.

“And just when ya think things caint get no worser, they'r callin out the Yoo-ess military in their war on Druggs. Ayroplanes, sateelites, submarines, no shit, submarines, helycopters. Ah admit freely ta takin a nip a moonshine every now and agin, but Ah aint no threat ta nobody's vital intrists.

“They'r even educatin kids in the first grade to just say no to me.

“Land-a-Goshen, they say Ah was confiscated by the Po-leece. When Ma herd Ah was confiscated, she give me a double-dose of the remedy.

“And Ah know Ah'm a right fine catch. Ah hit what Ah aims at and Ah don't chaw in the house on Sunday, but Ah ain't worth no hunnerd billion dollars.

“Although, when Ah herd they wanted to stop the flow of Druggs at the source, Ah got ta admit, it made me a little weak in the knees.

“The uther day Ah was playin Go Fish with mah cuzzin, and Ah was passing out the cards. All on a sudden, a bunch of Sheriffs surrounded us on the front porch where we was sittin. A mean-lookin deputy in mirror sunglasses throws me ta the ground and steps on mah neck with his boot. He sticks a .44 in mah ear and says, “You're under arrest for dealin' Druggs!”

“The judge says he wants ta send a message, but since he gimme life in prison, it's gonna be some time befo Ah can deliver it.”