The Cheesiest Blog of the Year

Let's get the jokes out of the way first. Kraft has been making Velveeta for 86 years, which seems like a long time, but not as long as its shelf life. The label states that Velveeta is a "pasteurized processed cheese food," so that we know it is actually made to be eaten. Velveeta can be used as caulk in an emergency.

Called "liquid gold" by some, and things less charitable by others, Velveeta gets a bad rap (strange considering that the foil wrap encasing the loaves are made to withstand radioactive fallout). My theory has always been that people who turn up their snooty noses at Velveeta, were never treated as kids to a melty, toasty Velveeta grilled cheese sandwich, backyard grilled burgers with a thick slab of Velveeta on top, or a bubbling casserole of Velveeta mac and cheese.

For Velveeta's 60th anniversary, Bradford Williams and Kathy Weber of the Ketchum Public Relations Agency stated, "We knew that once we started to take Velveeta too seriously - once we started grouping Velveeta with the great cheeses of France - we were going to be in trouble."

Ya think!

And when it comes to fancy French cheeses, I know whereof I speak. For many years I was a cheesemonger in an upscale wine and gourmet grocery shop. On any given day I handled heart-stopping triple cream bries, eighty pound wheels of Parmigiano-Reggiano, blue cheeses aged in moldy Spanish caves, and $45 dollar per pound cheddars that crackled when you bit into them. I was trained to pair cheeses with hundreds of wines from around the world. I put together cheese trays for official functions, and recommended dinner party dessert plates of cheeses, fruits and nuts.

But invariably every customer who approached the cheese counter would ask me, 'What's your favorite cheese?' and I would invariably answer, 'Velveeta!'

Which brings me to the point of this story. Just in time for the NFL Playoffs and America's national holiday - Super Bowl Sunday - Kraft Foods announced that there will be a shortage of Velveeta! It is already being called the "Velveetapocalypse" in the mainstream news media.

The shortage was first reported by Advertising Age after a few stores on the East Coast reported running low on the product. One Brooklyn-area employee told Ad Age that the store wasn't expecting shipments again until February due to a plant issue.

[I checked the list of ingredients, but couldn't find any plants.]

However as soon as I read the story, if you'll pardon the pun, I smelled a rat. This is best summed up by a comment posted anonymously on Reddit, under the thread, "Velveeta's fake product shortage and why the news SUCKS BAD":

This stunt is the ultimate proof imo [in my opinion] that rather than news gathering, these "news" bozos simply read press releases as they come in. 

Velveeta says "we don't know why but we have a shortage" and it turns out it's available everywhere but only in the larger size. 

And this, today, passes for national "news".

But to test your skepticism even further, I found the following recipe. I suggest that if you can find any Velveeta before the big game, forego the obsequious nachos and go for this fudgy, gooey dessert instead.

Velveeta Fudge

INGREDIENTS:
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
8 ounces Velveeta, cubed
1 1/2 pounds confectioners' sugar, about 5 cups unsifted
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 cups coarsely chopped pecans or walnuts

PREPARATION:
In a large saucepan over medium heat, heat butter and cheese cubes together, stirring frequently; remove from heat. Sift together confectioners' sugar and cocoa; add to cheese, mixing well. Stir in vanilla and nuts. Turn into a 9x9x2-inch pan; chill until firm and cut into squares. Makes about 3 pounds.

According to Ad Age, Kraft Foods Group is “grappling with a Velveeta shortage just as the dip season kicks into full gear.”

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Poster by Mel Ramos